Today I am going to talk about Twinkies.
Twinkies are an American snack food that have been literally and metaphorically shoved down all our throats for quite a while now.
Even though in England we are thankfully shielded from most of the advertising of these things you can’t avoid those classic American movies that have decided to shove in a reference to them.
Indeed even in such blockbusters as Ghostbusters, Die Hard, The Iron Giant and even Pixar’s WALL-E the yellow little buggers managed to wangle themselves acting roles, even if they did end up being dismembered in most cases (don’t worry, they used stunt doubles).
Twinkies of course gained even more hype a couple of years ago when Hostess stopped making them all together.
Needless to say the American food supply was in dire straits because of it, leaving poor; hopeless; addicted people to buy the last remaining boxes of Twinkies to ever exist on Ebay at extraordinarily ridiculous prices.
However that was all to be a huge waste of precious precious money as they were put back on shelves and everyone was free to stuff themselves within an inch of their lives for cheap once more.
So, that pretty much sums up everything I know about Twinkies, bye!
I found these mythical golden lumps from across the sea in a local shop and had to pick them up.
Twinkies haven’t made their transition over to England yet unlike the Oreo and other overly expensive things too massively hyped for words, so it was certainly an unusual thing to have in stock.
Note the shameless marketing campaign on the box.
“The sweetest comeback in the history of ever.™”, the ™ just in case anyone wanted to steal that entire phrase for some reason.
Y’know, I can think of other things coming back some time in the history of ever that people cared more about, it seemed to catch on and get quite a cult following too.
I will leave that to your imagination.
No, it’s not Twilight.
Anyway, you get 10, individually wrapped cakes in here.
There’s a tiny note by the Twinkie saying “Product enlarged to show detail” but I’m not too convinced they needed to do that, I will show you why later.
“Golden Sponge Cake with Creamy Filling”.
I always get disappointed when these snacks use the legal but misleading word “Creamy” which means it has no cream in whatsoever, never.
Bloody hell, they’re like submarines.
How a child could advertise one of these things while being able to still see their head in the picture I have no idea.
In fact I have no idea how children don’t dislocate their jaws trying to fit these in, I suppose it’s because they’re squidgy.
They insert the “creamy” not cream substance into three places in the back and voilà it’s filled all the way through just about, they still have the disappointing “dry ends” which have no “creamy” stuff in. Le sigh.
Of course, when I said they were like submarines, I was exaggerating just a little so here is a real comparison for you, unfortunately not next to a real submarine.
Instead it’s Hostess Twinkie VS Cadbury’s Mini Roll.
The monster Twinkie is about twice the height of the mini-er than ever mini roll and hmmm, about a third longer?
What amuses me most about it is that on the back a serving is two of these things.
My God America, what are you doing to yourselves?
Even my husband who loves snacking was full by one and no wonder, since it’s almost double the size of a usual snack here in England.
Saying that, the amount of calories in two is very low at just 270 calories, so I’m pretty scared it doesn’t contain any actual food stuffs…..that stuff that contains calories.
When I got it out of it’s package I have to say it was pretty damn unpleasant.
There’s this greasy, oil/syrupy stuff, I can’t quite work out which, on it that feels like a sponge that needs wringing out, and I don’t mean the “golden cake sponge”.
So, how does it taste?
At first the taste was a bit of oily sponge cake and then it happened.
My mouth got confused.
It doesn’t taste of anything that can be discerned, just sort of non flavours that don’t seem like they should have or ever did have any place in food.
They are not pleasant.
Nope, not in the slightest.
I honestly can’t understand how or why anyone could or would eat one of these.
I love snacks and cakes as much as the next person, maybe more, but ergh…I wished I didn’t have to finish the bloody thing, really horrible.
So, why does it taste so weird?
My first and only suspect….
Chemicals, my dear Watson!
Looking at these ingredients I was truly horrified.
Even my hubby that doesn’t mind a bit of MSG and other things that might not be great for you regretted ever eating one.
So, let’s have a run down shall we?
We have flour, with vitamins added, sounds wholesome enough.
We have water, very healthy, sugar, not so healthy, corn syrup which is genetically modified, high fructose corn syrup which is also genetically modified, partially hydrogenated vegetable shortening which is made from soybean which is genetically modified…seeing a pattern yet?
Then we have Soy Lecithin which is also genetically modified, an E number, some things that probably shouldn’t be eaten, modified corn starch which is genetically modified……
So wait, we have genetically modified modified corn starch?
Mmmmmmmmm, mutant food.
Glucose, whey from milk, glycerin, more modified soybean, oil, salt, then an E number, an E number, an E number, an E number and an E number followed by cellulose gum, Enzymes…oh yum, I do fancy a few enzymes in the morning, and then another couple of E numbers to finish.
What the hell?!
I have a feeling some of these things aren’t even legal to put in food in the UK.
These “ingredients” look like some mad scientist’s dream of getting as many chemicals as humanly possible into a child friendly shell.
No wonder they’re advertised so much, they’re trying to kill off the population to make way for more Hostess factories and inevitably, world domination.
Ergh…excuse me while I get my stomach pumped.